A Phoenix

Today, for some reason, I was remembering the day I decided to be a phoenix. I sat in my house in June of 2014, a month after Rick died, and I wrote this:

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel a sense of pride knowing that I did, in fact, begin again. 

I know that to some bystanders, it could seem as though I fell into a beautiful life, luckily and fortunately. And don't get me wrong, I am lucky and fortunate. But I fought my way to get here. So many things occur by happenstance, and my life is no different. There were many things I could not have predicted, like the entrance of love or various random opportunities. Yet I feel we create a certain force field around ourselves at times, letting in great things and keeping bad things out...and we do this by staying positive, keeping our light shining within, and hoping for good things but also creating them. 

A few months ago, one of Jeff's daughters asked me, "How old are you?" 

"31," I replied.

"Do you remember when you were 10?"

"Yes!" I briefly recalled my childhood.

"Do you remember when you were 21?"

"Yes." I thought about finishing college.

"What was your favorite age to be? What was your favorite year ever?"

I looked at her and smiled, almost getting a little choked up in the process of forming my response. "This year," I said. 

"Really???" She seemed surprised. 



"Because this has been the best year of my whole life. I've had the most fun this year. I'm the happiest."


  1. Hey Arielle,

    I just came across your (kind of) new blog, and I just wanted to thank you. I came to know you around 3 years ago from watching your videos on youtube and they helped me a lot (I don't have an eating disorder, but so much you say applies to a whole lot of other problems as well).

    I learned about the cat widow some time later and it made my cry to learn about your loss. And yet again you got back on your feed and kept on fighting. Seeing you overcome so many things and becoming the woman you want to be, gives me so much strength to become the man I want to be. You're like a lighthouse for the way to a happy and healthy life. Thank you, take care and greetings from Germany.


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